Ophiuchus

The outlook for those of you that fall into this ridiculous new astrological period is rather bleak. Your recent future will likely consist of your soul being overtaken by the Master Troll, Tragainus. When he has complete control of your every move, you can look forward to the insatiable urge to elope with the Dark Elf Queen, Molechenizia. Soon thereafter, you will lose control of all bodily functions and enter a final deliverance of a flatus-induced death.