College girls love this column

Rumor has it we have the most popular article on theracquet.net. We would like to thank all of our supporters for making this happen. We enjoy sitting back with a bottle of Svedka, stalk of celery, and MacBook Pros reading your insightful comments and soaking up even more attention. It appears you have been unappreciative of us. Who would you rather have representing your institution, people who toss animal carcasses and overturn a rando vehicle or your elite college girls who have the ability to make you actually pick up a newspaper and exercise your brain cells?

We wish our fans were well-rounded human beings like ourselves. We would prefer that you be smart, care about shit, be sophisticated, AND recognize satire. Our ability to create humor through satire is the skill that makes us elite. Pros such as Mister Dunn who also recognize this elevated sense of humor share in this rarity. Pretty sure ENG110 is a university requirement, did your prof not teach you to recognize an author's tone or did you just fail that course?

Thank God you didn't  take notes for us because you obvi slept through history as well. Let us refresh your memory. This is the course where you supposedly learned about the U.S. Constitution. Still drawing a blank? It involves a little something called First Amendment Rights, which basically grants us the freedom to mock whichever ridiculous stereotypes we choose.

We'd also like to thank those people in the robes and wigs that slam a hammer on the table every time they want attention. We're obvi judging their fashion sense, but we can empathize with their righteousness. If it weren't for them, our rents would have never read about some scandy involving the former pres Dicky Nixon in the New York Times.

While we're still on the topic of censorship, we are grateful we live in America. In developing third world countries such as Alaska, they don't even let civilians have internet to read thought provoking columns such as this. Why was Sarah Palin allowed to run for Vice President without even being a U.S. citizen? Well, we guess it worked for Barack.

So, to our supportive readers, as much as we love the attention you have been giving us, we recommend you spend less time hating and more time being productive members of society like ourselves. Maybe then you could identify humor like upper class members of society. Sorry for being hilarious, painfully riveting, and actually having a personality. Sorry not sorry.

All Our Love,

Your Elite College Girls