Surviving a scary movie 101

Okay, we've all seen horror movies before, and they always end the same: Someone (or everyone) ends up dead. So, in an effort to prevent the seemingly inevitable in the case that you or you and your friends ever end up in the middle of a horror movie, listen up.

First of all, never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie—you're just asking for it. Everything that happens in the movie you're watching is going to happen to you. Second, if you're alone in your house and someone calls, threatening you, saying that they're in your house and going to kill you, do not walk downstairs and look for them. We all know how that one goes. You will die. Third of all, it's probably for the best that if you end up in a situation like this with your friends, you do not split up. It seems like a good idea at the time, but you will die. When you hear a strange noise, do not, by any means, ask, "Who's there?" because someone is going to kill you. Then, if your friend goes to check out what the noise is and doesn't come back, do not go looking for them; they are dead, and soon you will be too.

If someone is bearing anything such as a chainsaw, a machete or an axe, don't wonder what they are going to do with it; run for your life. They are about to kill you. If someone warns you not to do something, don't do it. You might feel brave by proving them wrong, but you will not prove them wrong. Again, you will die. If you're running from a serial killer or something of the sort and you decide to jump in your car and drive away, always check the backseat. This is vital. Chances are that the killer probably did a ninja move into your car and is about to kill you from behind.

Plus, before you get in your car, always make sure your battery is working; otherwise it will almost always die when you are driving down an abandoned road in the middle of nowhere. If a guy suddenly shows up to help you, run away. He is either someone who is going to get you killed or he is the killer himself. Then, when running away from the killer, don't look back; he will suddenly appear in front of you when you turn back around.

Another thing to remember is to listen to the background music while in the horror movie. It is usually a good indicator as to when you are about to die. Most importantly, above all else, if you ever end up in a horror movie, listen to the audience. They will always warn you about the mysterious killer on the premises, and if you don't listen to them… you will die.