2008 Woodie Awards
Humor Me
Musings from the desk of an undergrad
Jenica Simon
Issue date: 4/9/08 Section: Opinion
What's the deal with birthdays? Sorry to sound like an amateur standup comedian at a cheesy nightclub, but seriously. Having recently celebrated a birthday myself, I will consider myself an expert.
They have their definitely perks. I won't lie. You awake to presents and cake and you better be excited about it! You have people you barely know wishing you a "happy bday" on Facebook. Then there's the occasional present via mail from the relatives so obscure that your parents don't quite know who they are (usually they send you birthday cards with cash).
But when you really think about what you are celebrating, it is sort of weird. Birth-days, you are celebrating the day of your birth. Eww, gross, nasty… here's some cake. We celebrate the day which you were torn from your mother's womb, the only home you have ever known, and traumatized as you were blinded by the cold light of the world. Not to mention the hell you put your mother through. But a single year later, new parents everywhere gather with their families and friends and celebrate this gooing and gaaing baby's life with a pile of presents 20 times bigger than it. And it falls asleep halfway through, forgotten in a pile of wrapping paper.
Also, this is the only time when fire in public is accepted, without question even if 30 little pyros are crowding in for a piece of the action. FIRE in the dining room, at school, at Chuck E. Cheese, at a fancy restaurant, on the bus, on a plane are all fine. As if to say, "Don't worry miss, it's my birthday." I wonder how many pounds of wax a single person consumes in a year directly relating to amount of birthday cake eaten and the age of their friends.
Ever notice how on adult cakes most people use the big number candles so they look younger? Not me, I want those little candles setting my cake ablaze. In fact, I will just start lighting those dang things with a flame thrower to save time after my thirtieth birthday. You know what I mean you can never manage to keep more than 20 lit at one time without having the first one basically being fueled by the frosting.
So Happy Being-Ripped-From-Your-Mother's-Womb Day!!!
They have their definitely perks. I won't lie. You awake to presents and cake and you better be excited about it! You have people you barely know wishing you a "happy bday" on Facebook. Then there's the occasional present via mail from the relatives so obscure that your parents don't quite know who they are (usually they send you birthday cards with cash).
But when you really think about what you are celebrating, it is sort of weird. Birth-days, you are celebrating the day of your birth. Eww, gross, nasty… here's some cake. We celebrate the day which you were torn from your mother's womb, the only home you have ever known, and traumatized as you were blinded by the cold light of the world. Not to mention the hell you put your mother through. But a single year later, new parents everywhere gather with their families and friends and celebrate this gooing and gaaing baby's life with a pile of presents 20 times bigger than it. And it falls asleep halfway through, forgotten in a pile of wrapping paper.
Also, this is the only time when fire in public is accepted, without question even if 30 little pyros are crowding in for a piece of the action. FIRE in the dining room, at school, at Chuck E. Cheese, at a fancy restaurant, on the bus, on a plane are all fine. As if to say, "Don't worry miss, it's my birthday." I wonder how many pounds of wax a single person consumes in a year directly relating to amount of birthday cake eaten and the age of their friends.
Ever notice how on adult cakes most people use the big number candles so they look younger? Not me, I want those little candles setting my cake ablaze. In fact, I will just start lighting those dang things with a flame thrower to save time after my thirtieth birthday. You know what I mean you can never manage to keep more than 20 lit at one time without having the first one basically being fueled by the frosting.
So Happy Being-Ripped-From-Your-Mother's-Womb Day!!!
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