2008 Woodie Awards
Humor Me
Musings from the desk of an undergrad
Jenica Simon
Issue date: 4/23/08 Section: Opinion
On April 23, I think it is time to discuss the importance of a zombie plan. Earth Day was to preserve the planet, but today I am deeming it is to save ourselves. There are several indicators that zombie attacks are forthcoming. Also, I would like to discuss why it is vital to everyone to have a zombie plan (or more than one).
The government has been using the media to express its concern. Sector 976 is a super top-secret part of the government. Think of Transformers but more of the surgeon general for things like alien, zombie and dust bunny attacks. Sources tell me they are located under the 'Y' in the Hollywood sign. Just think about some of the recent hits like Shaun of the Dead and I am Legend. And maybe you have even seen their public announcement in Red vs. Blue. Every surviving character had a fully formed zombie plan ready to implicate at a moment's notice.
There are three main types of zombie plans to consider. One, go into hiding. This plan includes a bomb shelter of some sort and all your left over Y2K supplies. You will have to be choosey about who you let into the shelter; you could be there for years. We suggest a 2:1 ratio of friends to family; therefore, when you get out there is enough variety in the human population to reproduce. Another variance is the classic escape to Canada standby. Here in Wisconsin, we probably have a far chance to beat everyone to the most secluded areas.
Two, use your friends and family as bait. Even while having a good plan, most people fall for helping there now zombified friends and family later on. To avoid this, you should probably spray-paint bait with your least favorite color to remind you they are no longer your allies.
Three, fight. This is not for the weak of heart or the slow on foot. Quick blitzkrieg attacks are in high demand, and also, heavy artillery. You should even consider setting explosive traps around your home. You can test them on the villainous chipmunks…but I digress. So start training in hand-to-hand combat and gain as many weapon proficiencies as possible. I suggest real training, but Resident Evil can also act as a good training guide.
So, don't be caught without a zombie plan. I, myself, have volumes of zombie plans ready. Do you?
The government has been using the media to express its concern. Sector 976 is a super top-secret part of the government. Think of Transformers but more of the surgeon general for things like alien, zombie and dust bunny attacks. Sources tell me they are located under the 'Y' in the Hollywood sign. Just think about some of the recent hits like Shaun of the Dead and I am Legend. And maybe you have even seen their public announcement in Red vs. Blue. Every surviving character had a fully formed zombie plan ready to implicate at a moment's notice.
There are three main types of zombie plans to consider. One, go into hiding. This plan includes a bomb shelter of some sort and all your left over Y2K supplies. You will have to be choosey about who you let into the shelter; you could be there for years. We suggest a 2:1 ratio of friends to family; therefore, when you get out there is enough variety in the human population to reproduce. Another variance is the classic escape to Canada standby. Here in Wisconsin, we probably have a far chance to beat everyone to the most secluded areas.
Two, use your friends and family as bait. Even while having a good plan, most people fall for helping there now zombified friends and family later on. To avoid this, you should probably spray-paint bait with your least favorite color to remind you they are no longer your allies.
Three, fight. This is not for the weak of heart or the slow on foot. Quick blitzkrieg attacks are in high demand, and also, heavy artillery. You should even consider setting explosive traps around your home. You can test them on the villainous chipmunks…but I digress. So start training in hand-to-hand combat and gain as many weapon proficiencies as possible. I suggest real training, but Resident Evil can also act as a good training guide.
So, don't be caught without a zombie plan. I, myself, have volumes of zombie plans ready. Do you?
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