2008 Woodie Awards
Humor Me
Musings from the desk of an undergrad
Jenica Simon
Issue date: 4/30/08 Section: Opinion
April 30, a day that will go down in infamy. Obviously not. It was the day so long ago in our history it is all but forgotten. George Washington became the first United States President, unwillingly. I have a hatred for Washington. It is one of constant disappointment.
When you are little, impressionable, and eager to learn they fill your head to the brim patriotic stories. Oh, the faithful story of the chopping down the cherry tree. At the age of five or so, you are lucky to know what a cherry is no less a cherry tree.
They talk about the mighty swing of Washington's axe. Mighty swing, have you ever seen a cherry tree? If you lean against it, you might fall the thing. But the point of the story was, I guess, that he couldn't tell a lie. I should hope you wouldn't try to lie about chopping down a cherry tree with an axe in your hand, sort of counter- productive. Besides, don't we already have Honest Abe…that two-faced politician, but I digress.
So this Washington guy was a general in The War of Independence. I find it ironic that our first president once considered himself British. Anyway, apparently he had a good publicist, because a lot of people knew his name afterwards. I think it was just because they hired a few painters to go across the Delaware with them. If we didn't know that he was so darn majestic and helpful during that voyage I don't think he would have won the election. Have you really ever looked at the painting? For some reason my uncles voice pops into my head, "You better sit your arse down this second, unless you are trying to tip the boat over!"
Now the one cool thing Washington had going for him was that he didn't have any of this teeth. So he has got all this top executives working on the problem and they give him a set of wooden chompers. The guy has the most famous pair of dentures ever! He was so hardcore that despite that fact they him slivers in his gums he totally toughed it out. FALSE. He has several sets of painted wooden veneers plus one set made out of ivory and another out of solid gold. Still, poor Martha probably had to pull the splinters out every night.
Maybe I have been too harsh, but that pretty much sums up what I thought I knew about George Washington. Let me check, cherry tree killer, unsafe boat rider, and lazy false-teeth eater. Yeah, that was all a 15 year school career taught me all that about the first president of America.
When you are little, impressionable, and eager to learn they fill your head to the brim patriotic stories. Oh, the faithful story of the chopping down the cherry tree. At the age of five or so, you are lucky to know what a cherry is no less a cherry tree.
They talk about the mighty swing of Washington's axe. Mighty swing, have you ever seen a cherry tree? If you lean against it, you might fall the thing. But the point of the story was, I guess, that he couldn't tell a lie. I should hope you wouldn't try to lie about chopping down a cherry tree with an axe in your hand, sort of counter- productive. Besides, don't we already have Honest Abe…that two-faced politician, but I digress.
So this Washington guy was a general in The War of Independence. I find it ironic that our first president once considered himself British. Anyway, apparently he had a good publicist, because a lot of people knew his name afterwards. I think it was just because they hired a few painters to go across the Delaware with them. If we didn't know that he was so darn majestic and helpful during that voyage I don't think he would have won the election. Have you really ever looked at the painting? For some reason my uncles voice pops into my head, "You better sit your arse down this second, unless you are trying to tip the boat over!"
Now the one cool thing Washington had going for him was that he didn't have any of this teeth. So he has got all this top executives working on the problem and they give him a set of wooden chompers. The guy has the most famous pair of dentures ever! He was so hardcore that despite that fact they him slivers in his gums he totally toughed it out. FALSE. He has several sets of painted wooden veneers plus one set made out of ivory and another out of solid gold. Still, poor Martha probably had to pull the splinters out every night.
Maybe I have been too harsh, but that pretty much sums up what I thought I knew about George Washington. Let me check, cherry tree killer, unsafe boat rider, and lazy false-teeth eater. Yeah, that was all a 15 year school career taught me all that about the first president of America.
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