The decade in review: pop culture

Among the fireworks and the piling of soup cans for Y2K, the millennium came in with a bang. And we survived. While the next decade saw new elected officials, massive influxes of foreclosure, horrific school shootings, terrorism, war, and wild weather, America had some pretty outrageous defining moments in its pop culture that surely will prove to be entertaining for years to come. These are my favorites, the decade in 1,000 words.
Reminiscing in random order starts now.
The millennium made everyone want to be a millionaire and a celebrity. CBS Survivor happened.  It ran for umpteen seasons with different locales, but WITH the same BS. Reality television diminished our lives, but heightened our love of drama.  Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, the fourth book of seven, was plucked off the shelves minutes after the clock struck twelve. J.K. Rowling’s mania continued to escalate and by the end of the decade had produced over 16 billion in total sales of books, movies, and everything  else for muggles.  Hobbits, dwarfs, elves, and weird looking creatures took home many of the decade’s awards.  Napster came and went, but not without a court order. Playstation 2 debuted. The iPod killed the CD. The USB killed the floppy. Scooters were cool, but they’ve scooted out. Will Ferrell left SNL, starred in a roller coaster of good and bad films, and ended up naked at least once in each. Kanye West survived a car crash. We later wish he didn’t. Beyonce and OutKast said “Hey Ya!” to the world. Janet Jackson did more than say hello to the world, but of course that was merely a “wardrobe malfunction.” MySpace began for teens, but later led to Dateline NBC’s hit documentary, How To Catch A Predator. Speaking of stalking, Facebook became cooler than Tom, and the world will never be as productive as before its release. Paris Hilton’s sex tape leaked. She was in and out of the limelight with cows and Nicole Ritchie on the Simple Life. Nicole hated Paris, but now they’re good. Nicole went to rehab. Nicole married a rocker and had a weird named baby – but she wasn’t the decade’s only celebrity to do so.  Halle Berry and Denzel Washington became the first African-Americans to win an Oscar, followed by Forest Whitaker, Morgan Freeman, Jamie Foxx, and Jennifer Hudson. Laguna Beach showcased some very hot, but not nice girls and their luggage. Bluetooth provided a way for phones to never leave our ear. YouTube took over the world. Soon a fat German kid and Numa Numa became household icons. Amy Winehouse almost died again. And then again. Jackass became a movie. Foul oil business led to inventions like the Segway. Al Gore had an inconvenient truth. Lance Armstrong won seven consecutive Tour de France’s, proved he could run as well as he could bike, started the rubber bracelet fad, and is now pretty much a declared sports god. Michael Phelps stuck it to the French and it was epic. A-Rod also made his sport interesting again, as well as Madonna. Tom Cruise jumped a couch, proved he wasn’t gay with Katie Holmes, and now has a daughter that is giving Posh Spice a run for her money in the fashion department. Brad left Jennifer Aniston. What a moron. He then had the best make-out scene with Angelina Jolie in Mr. & Mrs. Smith (probably nice for him to no longer be just remembered for a hair dryer scene).  The Smiths shacked up together, giving way to their silly press name, and soon began recruiting immigrants for their new country. Brangelina is all the press has talked about since. Pluto went from being a planet to nothing. Britney Spears left J.T., was married for 55 hours, filed for an annulment, married again to a disheveled dancer, got a baby bump, had a child, drove with that child on her lap, filed for divorce from KFed, shaved her head, went MIA, released Circus, and finally is back on top once more. Raunchy comedy was never sooooo good; even your grandma liked Knocked-Up and Borat. Gay cowboys won three Oscars. Project Runway was the first to take out the scissors in a new line of fashion premiers. TiVo replaced our best friends. The Olson Twins and Lindsey Lohan traded their pigtails for rehab tales. Replacing the girls, as well as Hilary Duff and Frankie Muniz as child stars were Abigail Breslin, Selena Gomez, and those annoying mops of hair called the Jonas Brothers. Miley Cyrus broke more achy-breaky hearts than her dad. High School Musical erupted on the scene and became the decade’s Grease with everyone getting their head in the game. America became obsessive with dance shows thereafter. The iPhone was launched with about a million useless applications. Snowboarding made it into the winter Olympics. Technology as a whole went on a diet and then got glamorous. Kim Kardashian’s rear took over E with her botoxed parents and hilarious sisters. People weren’t just emailing anymore, they were texting, tweeting, and sexting. Dark Knight was ridiculously good. Hugh Hefner didn’t die yet, but then again he’s already in heaven. Laguna Beach graduated to The Hills and found new frenemies and bigger sunglasses to hide all the black-eyes. The Wii was launched, but America feared it would just get fatter, so the Wii Fit was launched. Online television was launched. Yes, the Tila Tequila fiasco happened. Twice. This means I have to bring up Flavor Flav and Brett Michaels. VH1 is officially degrading society. We thought Pokémon destroyed enough brain cells earlier, but then Jessica Simpson, Octomom, Speidi, and Jon and Kate appeared. Then Sarah Palin was the wisest and could see Russia from her window. “That’s what she said.” Tina Fey made this better. Twilight happened. Twitter wars were better than thumb wars according to Ashton, CNN, and Oprah. WTF.  Twilight New Moon showed off some abs, but not better acting. Tiger changed his name to Cheeta. Tyra announced her talk show days are numbered. No one cared. LOL. Oprah announced she is done in 2011, signaling the Mayans may be right about 2012? And that’s a wrap.